


I don't know what to say to you except it tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to you

by Darker_Side



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: A love through the realms, Angst, Companion Piece, F/M, Metaphorical Hurt/Comfort from afar, The Silver City (Lucifer TV), philosophical
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,521
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27956543
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darker_Side/pseuds/Darker_Side
Summary: A companion piece toH3LL/FYR3--For all that she was blessed with in the Silver City, for all the people she had around her, like Trixie, Ella, Linda, her parents, even Dan, existing in a final form of ineffable delight, there was something missing. A someone.A someone who had been cast out eons before she had even been a whisper in Amenadiel’s mouth. A someone without a Host’s invitation to her forever.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 35
Kudos: 41





	I don't know what to say to you except it tore the heart out of my body saying goodbye to you

**Author's Note:**

> Title by Vita Sackville-West, from _A Letter to Virginia Woolf_ , dated January 28, 1927
> 
> This is a quick-fic that coincides with the H3LL/FYR3 fic, but from Chloe's perspective. 
> 
> I hope you guys like this, even though it's very short.

**[Mood Music](https://youtu.be/10bzS6G1y-A) **

They talked about the brilliance, the blinding white light, the complete sense of peace and serenity. They talked about only happiness and eternal existence in pure bliss, surrounded by your loved ones and everything you could ever need and want for eternity. 

They talked about all those things, but they never talked about the hollow feeling that wasn’t unpleasant, just strange. There was a body, and suddenly there wasn’t. There was a visualization of yourself, a young self, but there were no insides because you didn’t need them. There was no beating heart, so lungs to suck in breath; nothing to remind yourself that you were experiencing anything other than what you could see, what you could feel.

They talked about the joy of being with your family and friends for the rest of all time. 

They never talked about missing anyone, anything. They never knew that you could be both eternally floored by the joy and love you felt, but that you could also feel missing pieces. Maybe it was because the poets and philosophers never thought about missing anyone surrounded by Almighty light and graciousness, but those people never knew what it was like to love someone unattainable in your paradise. 

They never thought to understand what it might be like to love the Devil and _know_ you would never see him again. 

For all that she was blessed with in the Silver City, for all the people she had around her, like Trixie, Ella, Linda, her parents, even Dan, existing in a final form of ineffable delight, there was something missing. A someone. 

A someone who had been cast out eons before she had even been a whisper in Amenadiel’s mouth. A someone without a Host’s invitation to her forever. 

She learned, first-hand, that you could have everything and still feel like a part of you was missing. 

There was no one to pass blame to other than herself. She had made the choice. Even in her old age, so close to death’s door, so close to losing a third of her heart, she had told him no. She could still remember the look on his face when she said she wouldn’t do it, wouldn’t put her elderly body through cryogenic freezing, wouldn’t stay with him forever. 

That was how she knew the memory was burned into her soul, with no physical brain in her floaty, young-again existence to hold those neurons in. She knew the look he wore that day, it was the look of heartache and premature loss disguised as understanding and acceptance. When Trixie had passed on his offer, as well, he was just as crushed. He was doomed to lose the two women in his life that made him want to be the man, the angel, he had always wanted to be. 

And he did.

Lucifer had never left her side in those final days, whether he was trying to ensure she was comfortable or to make sure he soaked up every detail of her being before he could never drink it in again, she wasn’t certain, but she believed it to be both. 

Their life together had been complicated as she continued to age and he continued to stay beautiful and ageless. It had been hard the first decade when age had started to change her, but Lucifer’s unwavering loyalty and dedication snuffed out any negative feelings. He was hers, and she was his, until her dying breath, and then the wings of angels took her away from him forever.

Unlike mortals, he was forced to watch the intangible part of her fly away in his sibling’s arms. Say two goodbyes and feel just as useless to stop it as he had the cardiac failure her decrepit body had dealt. 

It had killed her, in the metaphorical sense, to watch his heart break, tears in his eyes, her name stuck on his tongue, as she was filled with immeasurable peace that Heaven’s new arrivals were given. 

Time was inconsequential, so she could never interpret how many years had gone by. Trixie joined her and Dan at some point, and she was the gorgeous young woman she had remembered the few years before her last days on Earth. When asked, she had told Chloe that Lucifer was doing as well as he could be, but even she couldn’t make her words sound true. 

A nonexistent heart broke again. 

\--

The first time she had heard his voice, she had believed it to be a figment of her imagination, reaching out, missing him more than usual. She realized that she didn’t need an imagination, not when she had anything she could ever hope to have at her metaphysical fingertips. She couldn’t make out the words, but his voice was clear in her mind, she felt it in her soul, and it warmed her where she hadn’t known to not be warm before. 

The second time had been more clear, and she was certain she was hearing him from down below. She hadn’t grown up a religious person, and even residing in Heaven found her to be more believer than practitioner, but his words, the tone of voice, sounded like a prayer. A benediction. One filled with sorrow and tears, anger and pain. She heard her name echoing from his lips, his smooth voice flowing over skin like silk. She heard him pleading, in denial, begging to have her back, words that insinuated he _hated_ himself for wanting to demand she return, to leave all she had up above for a creature such as himself.

If she had been able to cry, she would have been. If she had been able to reach down to him, she would have. 

She found that mortal souls had no effect on the living down below, that they could never hear nor see their peers again. Chloe was not the ordinary mortal soul, and Lucifer was not the ordinary loved one left behind. 

They were special. What they shared was special. All that they had been was incredible. Rule-breaking, gospel-bending, holy and sacrilege. 

She could hear him, and she had no way of knowing if he could hear her.

She prayed back to him anyway. Possibly in the hopes that if he _could_ hear her, could feel her observation from up High, that it would help soothe the terrible ache she had left in him. 

She would find a spot, far from any other, secluded and sacred in its own right. The Silver City was remarkable that way; an oasis of a universe’s population, and still plenty of places to practice solitude. 

Mostly she would talk to him, tell him about her thoughts on his estranged home. How it was both something she had expected but hadn’t imagined. How she laughed when she had seen that the Silver City was _actually_ silver and not gold. 

She tried not to talk about missing him, about feeling an absence with an abundance around her. She tried to verbalize the privilege of her position, how she was the one who got to be happy, that she knew that he had the raw end of the deal. He always seemed to get the raw end, even if he was the most deserving, in her opinion. 

Chloe wanted to say that it was okay. There were times that she had heard his thoughts, about her, about his supposed betrayal with others. So many others. It had stung, but she was easily reminded of who he was, what he did to cope, how he sought release in flesh that was the farthest from any emotional tether he could ever have. How he drowned himself in substance, how it hurt her to feel him so distraught. 

She wanted him to know she understood. She knew he didn’t hear her, because he berated himself about it consistently, and it _killed_ her to have to hear it, but she supposed that their unconventional love awarded her an unconventional paradise, overflowing with joy and sorrow. 

Even with time being irrelevant, for all the existing that was so beautiful, it felt quick, a part of her felt the eons of time’s cadence. She knew it was the part that belonged to him, forever in a cycle of dying without the ease of death. 

She guessed that it was only natural to feel so broken in a place where she had it all, all the light and brightness and love pouring over. 

Chloe was made for Lucifer, they were made for each other, and the tragedy was that even soulmates weren’t guaranteed forever, not when Heaven and Hell were involved. When the Devil won the heart of a Miracle. When mortality clung to one of them, dark claws sinking in, giving way to angels’ hands and wings, while the other was frozen in an eternity not worth enduring any longer. 

Even through immortality, not everything could last forever. 

That was their fate to endure. Their story to read through, until the pages turned to dust, until the last star he had lit faded into nothingness.

Only then would they know peace.

**Author's Note:**

> Short and sweet, but I feel Chloe deserved her perspective to be written. H3LL/FYR3 didn't put her decision in the best of light, but Lucifer struggled with both understanding and feeling abandoned by her choice.
> 
> This will probably be my last posting for a little while. I've got a short-notice cross-country move coming and I'm not sure when I'll have time to write or post anything.  
> I still have things in the works, I'll just be on a short hiatus 🙃
> 
> Come yell at me down below. Hopefully this slightly happier ending helped ease the ache I gave you in H3LL/FYR3
> 
> Much love, guys!


End file.
